I find it hard to write at the moment. It is an accumulation of reasons, some interesting, others not to be said out loud, laziness and too busy. The accumulation of experiences leads to large gaps between things being said.
I think the most interesting thing about writing weblog is the personal censorship. I censor myself. I have so much I want to say but I know I cannot. Why not? Because it is too personal, possibly unkind, not necessary to voice, mean, rude, non-pc… the list is long. So each time I hit a point where I am struggling with an aspect of life I hit all these things and realize that I cannot be appropriate or positive without violating my own codes and ethics and I silence myself.
I have thought long and hard about all the things I/we cannot say and think often about writing a book or just opening wide up and saying “this is how it is”. But not yet. So I go the other way and work at becoming more emotionally neutral; I try to have less attachment to the dramas, the highs and lows of my daily experiences as a mother, a wife, an addict in recovery, a business woman in a recession, a teacher, a friend, a runner…. Such a long list of different beings to neutralise.
So my state of extremis has been a major journey towards a calmer daily experience. Over time I have tried all manner of tips, tricks, techniques, methods, postures, mudras, meditations and mantras. As I flirt with 50 I can see that it is an ever-evolving journey. But truthfully certain things work. If I see myself in an open-topped car moving through my life in high speed I can see that certain things get chucked out as detritus along the route and other things accumulate into the bits and pieces vibrating gently along side me as I drive to where ever it is that the Universe in all it’s wisdom and vicious irony has decided I am headed.
My current new experience is very coloured by listening to Eckhart Tolle CDs which I download from iTunes. I used not to be able to listen to him. It used to depress me endlessly, waiting for the next word to dribble from his lips, he spoke so slowly, but now I find his words amusing, liberating and relevant. Which of us has changed? I guess it is me, and thank god, frankly. Endlessly boring inner journey through barbed wire, brambles and personal mud which is so endlessly boring and futile.
So the result of my neutrality is less weblog. Less to say out loud, less reaction, less time spent oozing thoughts into the ethers. I do not think anyone suffers.